A friend of mine talks about her addiction as if it is a void between her ears. An alcoholic in recovery, she has tried other drugs and been addicted to them as well.
"It doesn't matter what I use to fill that void, I will become addicted to it," she says.
That got me thinking; what other things do people use to fill that void? What do I use to fill that void?
I am an egomaniac with an inferiority complex. Telling many lies to prove myself superior to others, to gains some sort of social acceptance, to humiliate others in my quest for self gratification, is my nature. There are cons I run for financial gain, wasting the money on expensive trinkets that rust in the driveway, just to prove my superiority, my success.
These are behaviors of addiction. There are so many behaviors that fall into this category that it is impossible to list them all and their variations, but here are a few of the more common,
drugs, (some people think that alcohol is separate, it's not)
sex, (I don't care who I hurt to get gratification)
guns, (weapons give me power over those that are stronger than I am)
sports fan, (I become someone greater by association)
music, movie or movie star fan, (my knowledge of a stars life is greater than anyone else's)
television, (I wallow in the drama of the shows I watch)
blogging, (driven to have more friends and followers that others)
eating, (never met a chocoholic I didn't like)
driving (high performance cars is one of my favorites)
(Have you ever encountered a really mean driver? Is that a reflection of their addiction?)
This is just a sample to get my idea across.
Enjoying any of these things is certainly not an addiction, but I am an addict and have delved into the addiction of most of the listed items. My personal inventory proves it.
In the final analysis I was moving through life in self pity and anger, expecting guilt and fear as a result, hoping to succeed and prove myself by throwing emotional baggage around; also being the victim of others practicing the same behavior, often spending weeks or years plotting revenge for actions or words used 'against' me.
Essentially, I was miserable as a result of my lifestyle and didn't like the emotions I was wallowing in; self pity, guilt, shame, fear and anger. Note that for a long time, even sobriety, I thought that I truly enjoyed anger, that I had the right to feel it.
In the end, I was trying to bury these feelings with what ever addiction I was involved in at the time. Even several addictions at one time was never enough to keep these emotions from returning, with the bonus hangover.
Changing my behavior was the only solution. There is always a choice as to how I respond to the things that happen in day to day life. Today I can live happy joyous and free from both my addiction and my reactions to others behavior by living a life of forgiveness, compassion and gratitude.
Sunday, January 1, 2017
Thursday, January 21, 2016
Paranoia
The door is unlocked. It doesn't matter. The lock won't stop him; the door can't stop him. The leviathan, though ponderously slow, has too much power. He's too shrewd. I should know, I created him, a figment of my imagination.
Is he real?, you ask. Having written something like this before, for my shrink, and got locked in a padded room for 2 years, yes, they still have those, I won't sign my name.
Yes, it's as real as any of the other voices in my head. So many voices, demanding so many things, so confusing. But, occasionally, they all, accidentally, of course, charge off in the same direction. It's like the squirrel cage in my head creates a vortex that they cannot resist, and they all become as one, the leviathan.
Some time ago, I realised the the Advococy, in cahoots with ArcCorp, was trying to kill me. ArcCorp had bought them off. I know what you're thinking. Another paranoid conspiricy theory. So, this was how it was going to be done. They came in through the wireless system, so the tin foil hat didn't help. The anti spyware, virus protection and firewalls melted in an instant. I was in quantum drive one second and jump drive the next. Thank the void space is so empty, but it wasn't enough. An unknown moon, of some unknown planet, in an unnamed system loomed in front of me. There was no avoiding it at the speed I was traveling, as close as I was, but i managed to change the course of the ship enough to give me time to make it to an escape pod, directed towards space, instead of an uninhabitable moon where I would surely run out of oxygen before I was found.
Some scavs found me and took me along for the ride. It was better then freezing in the void, but not by much. Still, I wanted them to think they had succeeded. The false identity was first on my to do list; then transport via what ever dirty nondescript job I could find moving me towards Stanton. It took me a month to wash the stink from that garbage tub off me.
I've always been good at hardware, mobi programming and such, but I din't let on until I was on Stanton II, ArcCorp. They're always looking for someone to focus and align lasers in data tubes. Dirty places like ArcCorp traditionally have problems with the microscopic dust from the atmosphere getting into the data tubes. Regular cleaning and maintainance is absolutely necessary. It's a dirty job, but it was just what i needed.
After hacking their system, checking out their anti vurus, anti spy, and firewalls, I wrote a sleeper virus and laid it to rest it in their system, with a couple of seeds of distrust, pointed at a very specific target. Then I wrote a cure for just that virus, and wiped my cred holo from memory.
The first move was to steal a heap of sensitive and valuable info, then I quit my job, cleaned up and got a new identity. Easy enough, since there's not much security to get through to be a tube scrubber; no DNA or retnal scans, and the prints were faked. A trip to Hades, well known for some less scrupulous vendors, provided me with new creds, after selling certain sensitive and valuable items to info agent.
Back to Stanton II to sell my services to ArcCorp as the guy who could find the leak. There was a name, remembered from a deal gone sour, that had already been implicated by the virus program with mobi-mail sent to Hades, and a certain info agent who shall remain nameless. Yeah, he had been warned, got a head start, invented new creds and vioded hemself from the system. So, ArcCorp lavished me with creds to fix their sieve, and life was good, I thought.
Welcome to Spyder, the armpit of the galaxy. I have enough creds to live high in the spires of Sol, but the leviathan, no longer my leviathan, hunts me. It looks for my code, my signature, my creds, my name, and it comes in through the datatubes and the wireless, looking for me or my mobiglass, so locking the door won't help. It may be ponderous and slow, but it never stops and it never sleeps...
Is he real?, you ask. Having written something like this before, for my shrink, and got locked in a padded room for 2 years, yes, they still have those, I won't sign my name.
Yes, it's as real as any of the other voices in my head. So many voices, demanding so many things, so confusing. But, occasionally, they all, accidentally, of course, charge off in the same direction. It's like the squirrel cage in my head creates a vortex that they cannot resist, and they all become as one, the leviathan.
Some time ago, I realised the the Advococy, in cahoots with ArcCorp, was trying to kill me. ArcCorp had bought them off. I know what you're thinking. Another paranoid conspiricy theory. So, this was how it was going to be done. They came in through the wireless system, so the tin foil hat didn't help. The anti spyware, virus protection and firewalls melted in an instant. I was in quantum drive one second and jump drive the next. Thank the void space is so empty, but it wasn't enough. An unknown moon, of some unknown planet, in an unnamed system loomed in front of me. There was no avoiding it at the speed I was traveling, as close as I was, but i managed to change the course of the ship enough to give me time to make it to an escape pod, directed towards space, instead of an uninhabitable moon where I would surely run out of oxygen before I was found.
Some scavs found me and took me along for the ride. It was better then freezing in the void, but not by much. Still, I wanted them to think they had succeeded. The false identity was first on my to do list; then transport via what ever dirty nondescript job I could find moving me towards Stanton. It took me a month to wash the stink from that garbage tub off me.
I've always been good at hardware, mobi programming and such, but I din't let on until I was on Stanton II, ArcCorp. They're always looking for someone to focus and align lasers in data tubes. Dirty places like ArcCorp traditionally have problems with the microscopic dust from the atmosphere getting into the data tubes. Regular cleaning and maintainance is absolutely necessary. It's a dirty job, but it was just what i needed.
After hacking their system, checking out their anti vurus, anti spy, and firewalls, I wrote a sleeper virus and laid it to rest it in their system, with a couple of seeds of distrust, pointed at a very specific target. Then I wrote a cure for just that virus, and wiped my cred holo from memory.
The first move was to steal a heap of sensitive and valuable info, then I quit my job, cleaned up and got a new identity. Easy enough, since there's not much security to get through to be a tube scrubber; no DNA or retnal scans, and the prints were faked. A trip to Hades, well known for some less scrupulous vendors, provided me with new creds, after selling certain sensitive and valuable items to info agent.
Back to Stanton II to sell my services to ArcCorp as the guy who could find the leak. There was a name, remembered from a deal gone sour, that had already been implicated by the virus program with mobi-mail sent to Hades, and a certain info agent who shall remain nameless. Yeah, he had been warned, got a head start, invented new creds and vioded hemself from the system. So, ArcCorp lavished me with creds to fix their sieve, and life was good, I thought.
Welcome to Spyder, the armpit of the galaxy. I have enough creds to live high in the spires of Sol, but the leviathan, no longer my leviathan, hunts me. It looks for my code, my signature, my creds, my name, and it comes in through the datatubes and the wireless, looking for me or my mobiglass, so locking the door won't help. It may be ponderous and slow, but it never stops and it never sleeps...
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