A friend of mine talks about her addiction as if it is a void between her ears. An alcoholic in recovery, she has tried other drugs and been addicted to them as well.
"It doesn't matter what I use to fill that void, I will become addicted to it," she says.
That got me thinking; what other things do people use to fill that void? What do I use to fill that void?
I am an egomaniac with an inferiority complex. Telling many lies to prove myself superior to others, to gains some sort of social acceptance, to humiliate others in my quest for self gratification, is my nature. There are cons I run for financial gain, wasting the money on expensive trinkets that rust in the driveway, just to prove my superiority, my success.
These are behaviors of addiction. There are so many behaviors that fall into this category that it is impossible to list them all and their variations, but here are a few of the more common,
drugs, (some people think that alcohol is separate, it's not)
sex, (I don't care who I hurt to get gratification)
guns, (weapons give me power over those that are stronger than I am)
sports fan, (I become someone greater by association)
music, movie or movie star fan, (my knowledge of a stars life is greater than anyone else's)
television, (I wallow in the drama of the shows I watch)
blogging, (driven to have more friends and followers that others)
eating, (never met a chocoholic I didn't like)
driving (high performance cars is one of my favorites)
(Have you ever encountered a really mean driver? Is that a reflection of their addiction?)
This is just a sample to get my idea across.
Enjoying any of these things is certainly not an addiction, but I am an addict and have delved into the addiction of most of the listed items. My personal inventory proves it.
In the final analysis I was moving through life in self pity and anger, expecting guilt and fear as a result, hoping to succeed and prove myself by throwing emotional baggage around; also being the victim of others practicing the same behavior, often spending weeks or years plotting revenge for actions or words used 'against' me.
Essentially, I was miserable as a result of my lifestyle and didn't like the emotions I was wallowing in; self pity, guilt, shame, fear and anger. Note that for a long time, even sobriety, I thought that I truly enjoyed anger, that I had the right to feel it.
In the end, I was trying to bury these feelings with what ever addiction I was involved in at the time. Even several addictions at one time was never enough to keep these emotions from returning, with the bonus hangover.
Changing my behavior was the only solution. There is always a choice as to how I respond to the things that happen in day to day life. Today I can live happy joyous and free from both my addiction and my reactions to others behavior by living a life of forgiveness, compassion and gratitude.
